Attachment Styles
How they influence behaviors related to intimacy, trust, and betrayals
Self-disclosure
Confident
- Generally starts with small disclosures
- Gradually discloses more info about self over time
- Uses self-disclosure to gradually build intimacy and trust
Concerned
- Tendency to disclose too much too quickly
- Hopes that disclosing info quickly will create closeness and intimacy
- Tendency to over disclose can sometimes backfire and scare others away
Cool
- Prefers to keep things to themselves
- Uncomfortable sharing info about self with others
- Can come across as being tight-lipped and secretive
Love
Confident
- Feelings of love involve passion and concern for a partner
- Experiences deep feelings of appreciation for a partner
- Has the strong desire to take care of a partner
Concerned
- Often experiences intense, head-over-heels feelings of love
- Tendency to fall in love quickly or at first sight
- May feel out of control when falling in love
Cool
- More practical when it comes to love
- Love may not involve intense feelings
- More level-headed when it comes to romance
Trust
Confident
- Believes that a partner will treat them well
- Trusts a partner until given a reason not to
- Saddened when a partner betrays their trust
Concerned
- Hopes that a partner won't betray their trust, but fearful that it will happen
- Doubts about self-worth lead to concerns that partner won't keep promises
- Extremely hurt, but not surprised when a partner betrays them
Cool
- Doesn’t expect a partner to live up to their expectations
- Least likely to believe that a partner can be trusted
- Not surprised when a partner betrays them
Commitment
Confident
- Comfortable making commitments to a partner
- Tries to honor commitments
- Assumes that a partner will keep commitments, unless given reason not to believe so
Concerned
- Tendency to rush into commitments and make sacrifices for relationship
- Eager to make large investments in their relationships
- Concerned that a partner isn’t as committed or invested in the relationship
Cool
- Uncomfortable making commitments
- Commitments can feel overly constraining
- Fears losing self to relationship
Jealousy
Confident
- Generally not jealous, unless there's a good reason to be
- Likely to calmly talk to partner about issue
- Tries to make sure the relationship is the best it can be when jealousy arises
Concerned
- Can experience jealousy and worry about losing a partner even when there's no threat
- May deal with their jealous feelings by trying to make a partner jealous
- Can easily let their jealousy get the best of them
Cool
- Rarely experiences jealousy
- Likely to ignore or overlook threats to their relationship
- Less likely to talk about the issue or bring it up
Conflict
Confident
- Adopts an “us versus the problem” mentality and feels that it’s important to talk about disagreements
- Less likely to view conflict as destructive, but as a fact of life
- Tries to understand partner's position and tries to find a solution that works for everyone
Concerned
- Can view conflict as threatening to the relationship
- Often concerned that their needs won’t be met when conflict arises
- Can let their emotions get the best of them and become controlling and aggressive during arguments
Cool
- Dislikes conflict
- Tries to downplay or ignore the issue, if possible
- Often withdraws from conflict
Sex
Confident
- Good at communicating likes and dislikes to a partner
- Good at using sex to please and connect with a partner
- Often adopts an open and playful attitude toward sex with a partner
Concerned
- Prefers intimate forms of sexual contact such as kissing, cuddling, and direct eye contact
- May also like to be dominated by a partner
- Insecurities may sometimes get in the way of enjoying sex
Cool
- Prefers recreational and less intimate forms of sex
- Less likely to connect with a partner during sex
- Prefers quick and short encounters to prolonged love making
Raising Issues
Confident
- Likes to tackle issues head on
- Attempts to talk to a partner as issues come up
- Tries to work with partner to resolve issues
Concerned
- Often fears that raising issues will upset a partner
- Likely to ruminate on problems rather than talk about them
- Simmering feelings about issues may come up in indirect and passive ways
Cool
- Likely to avoid talking about issues
- Often ignores issues hoping they will go away
- If an issue does get raised, may to do so with hostility and anger
Criticism
Confident
- Tries to listen to a partner’s complaints
- Takes responsibility for mistakes that were made
- Works to make amends
Concerned
- Has a difficult time listening to a partner’s criticism
- Tends to view criticism as a personal attack rather than a complaint about one's behavior
- May struggle to admit when mistakes were made
Cool
- Often reacts defensively to criticism
- When faced with criticism may point out a partner’s flaws
- Often puts little effort into addressing the issue
Intimacy
Confident
- Easy to get close to
- Comfortable with intimacy
- Good at managing closeness while maintaining one's identity
Concerned
- Often wants more intimacy and closeness from a partner
- Generally wants to spend most of their time with a partner rather than alone or with others
- May feel lost if not in a relationship
Cool
- Uncomfortable with high levels of intimacy
- Tries to keep a partner at a comfortable distance
- Stresses importance of not losing self to the relationship
Infidelity
Confident
- Less likely to cheat on a partner
- Likely to feel remorse over cheating
- Likely to experience empathy for the pain their actions caused
Concerned
- May flirt or cheat due to their desire for attention
- May flirt or cheat because they don’t want to disappoint the “other person” (need for approval can lead to cheating)
- Likely to experience shame after cheating
Cool
- Most likely to cheat on a partner
- Cheating is often used to maintain some distance from a partner
- Less likely to feel shame or guilt about cheating
Lying
Confident
- Less likely to deceive a partner
- Experiences less intimacy and closeness when lying to a partner
- More likely to feel guilt over lying to a partner
Concerned
- Lying to a partner is often motivated to avoid conflict and a partner’s disapproval
- Likely to tell a partner what he or she thinks a partner wants to hear (lying motivated to appease a partner)
- Fearful that telling the truth may lead to rejection
Cool
- Most likely to lie to a partner
- May use deception to keep partner at a safe distance
- May experience little regret or remorse over lying to a partner
We've also created a podcast on attachment and betrayals.
Note: The table below identifies how the attachment terms we use in Broken Trust relate to academic research on the topic.
| Attachment Terms We Use | Academic Terms Used |
| Confident | Secure Attachment |
| Concerned | Anxious, Anxious/Ambivalent, Preoccupied, Enmeshed, Anxious/Resistant, Resistant |
| Cool | Dismissing, Detached, Avoidant |
| Confused | Fearful/Avoidant, Avoidant, Disorganized, Disoriented |