As you and your partner go through this process, it also helps if you can adopt the following mind-set: you both are on the same side. It’s the two of you against the problems you face, not you against one another.

Rebuilding Trust Activity

Research shows that, as couples work through a betrayal, they are more likely to be successful when they’re able to take a few moments to reflect on the positive aspects of the transgression that came to light. Yes, you read that correctly—every betrayal can have some positive outcomes. Indeed, every negative event you encounter is an opportunity to gain new information, learn, and grow.

To find out how, write down the positive things that have come from the harm your partner caused you. Maybe you discovered you’re stronger than you thought you were. Or maybe you’ve gained potentially long-lasting wisdom and insights that will help you in the future. Perhaps the betrayal is forcing you to discuss important issues in your relationship that you were hesitant to address. It’s possible that you now have a better understanding of exactly what you need and expect from a partner in order to feel safe, loved, and cared for. Try to reflect deeply on the positive things that have come about and write them down.

As you and your partner work through the process of rebuilding trust, it’s common to get sidetracked on issues that aren’t relevant to the betrayal you experienced. If that happens, use the steps for rebuilding trust as a guide to getting your discussions back on track.