Reply To: Concerned attachment

Reply To: Concerned attachment

Home Forums Questions about your relationship Concerned attachment Reply To: Concerned attachment

tcoleTim Cole

Hi Fran,

I wouldn’t give up hope on being in a relationship. In fact, one of the best ways to deal with a concerned style of attachment is to work through your fears and anxieties while you’re involved with someone. It’s difficult to resolve these issues when you’re not actually experiencing them.

To best work through your attachment issues it helps to date someone who is confident and understands the issues you’re trying to confront. Dating someone with a cool style of attachment will probably make things worse.

If you can try dating someone who is confident and explain that you sometimes have doubts and fears that get the best of you — and that you’d like to express your fears rather than act on them, that can help as long as your partner understands what you need — someone to listen to you, be available, and provide support and reassurance. If that happens consistently over time your attachment style will become more confident and secure.

It also helps if you work with a therapist — someone who is trained at helping people over come their insecurities. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) are effective at helping people change their style of attachment. Find a therapist who is experienced at helping people with an anxious style of attachment (the academic/clinical term) for concerned attachment.

Research shows that both exercise (cardio) as well as starting a mindful meditation program can be effective at helping people deal with their anxieties and change their style of attachment.

And as Lia mentioned… practicing self-soothing strategies (addressing your fears and concerns with compassion and kindness toward yourself) can help.

There are many proven pathways to help people become more confident and secure in their relationships.

And if that ultimately doesn’t work. There are other ways to find support and companionship through close relationships, which don’t involve romance. Some people find that having a few very close friends can provide many important benefits.

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