To start with it helps to cut yourself some slack. When something traumatic happens it’s natural to want to turn to others for support. And keeping secrets isn’t wise. When people keep secrets they tend to think more often about the topic and in more negative ways.
However, issues are easier to resolve when you share the information with people who aren’t close to the situation. People close to the situation often have a stake in the outcome — one that may differ from what you and your wife are trying to achieve.
Our best advice is to find someone to talk to whose only concern is your well-being. Someone who doesn’t have an interest in how the situation plays out (we talk about this in detail in Chapter 6).
If you don’t have someone you can turn to for support, there are many online forums and message boards designed to help people work through a spouse’s betrayal.
Also, you may want to consider telling your wife that you disclosed the problem with a few individuals. If she finds out from someone else she is more likely to be upset than if she hears about it from you. If you decide to tell her, focus on your feelings… tell her that you were overwhelmed and needed someone to talk to… that you didn’t intend to break a promise… that you just needed someone to understand what you’re going through.
Everyone makes mistakes. What matters the most is how people work through the mistakes they’ve made. Mutual honesty, support, and understanding is the key to working through an intimate betrayal.
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