Reply To: Before we were married

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#6588 Reply
Tim Cole

Hi Outdoormore,

To begin with, most spouses expect their partners to be completely honest about their past. At the same time, many people aren’t comfortable disclosing everything they’ve gone through. And when such information does come out it creates the types of problems you describe. Your husband is undoubtedly hurt, disappointed and feeling uncertain about your relationship. Keep validating your husband’s feelings and apologize for concealing information from him. Tell him, “I know that you’re hurt and angry… you have every right to feel that way… what I did was wrong… I concealed information from you… and I’m sorry for what I’ve done.”

Keep validating his perspective and apologizing for your actions. In many cases, he’ll eventually want to know why you concealed information from him. Explain why you weren’t comfortable talking about what happened in the past. Ask him to try to understand your perspective. You didn’t want to hide information from him or hurt him — you just weren’t comfortable talking about what happened (or whatever reason may have been).

Some couples move through this stage of rebuilding trust slower than others. If your husband needs time… give it to him. Listen to him. Validate him. Apologize when appropriate. And only explain your actions when he asks for one.

Hope this helps,