Reply To: Not knowing

Reply To: Not knowing

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tcoleTim Cole

Hi Folks,

Attachment styles can change… but, it typically takes a lot of work or a fairly traumatic event (like a major betrayal). The best way to find a counselor is to search in your area for someone who helps couples or individuals work through attachment-related issues. Also, it helps to talk to several counselors until you find one where the relationship feels right to you. The first counselor you talk to may not be the best fit.

I know this can be hard for many people to understand, but research shows that people with a cool (and sometimes confused) style(s) of attachment really don’t understand their feelings or what motivates their behavior. There has been some very interesting research on the topic. Researchers can watch people have emotional reactions (based on physiological measures) and ask people to describe what they’re feeling. Not surprisingly, most people can describe their emotions in real time. However, while people with a cool style of attachment are having emotional experiences, they aren’t aware of their emotions or able to describe what they’re feeling — they appear to lack insight into their emotional lives.