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Reply To: I’m so angry all the time.

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tcole
Tim Cole
Keymaster

It’s natural to feel angry when a partner betrays your trust. And from the sound of your question, it seems as if you might have a concerned style of attachment — the needy feelings, experiencing intense emotions, and having difficulty working through one’s negative feelings — are all typical of people with a concerned style of attachment. Individuals with a concerned style of attachment also are more likely to have been in relationships where they were taken advantage of, have fear of trusting their partners, and yet still have difficulty imagining life without their partners.

If this description fits and you think you might have a concerned style of attachment, it might be worth your time and effort to focus on that issue — rather than the more recent event, which is causing you so much pain.

Ruminating on feelings, while common, doesn’t help people solve problems and accomplish their goals in life. The good news is that there are many things you can do to address this issue. Again, if the description above resonates with you, it may be in your best interest to focus on how your attachment style was formed and take steps to change it. Research shows that people who focus on changing their attachment style are successful with the right tools and knowledge. The process involves learning how to adjust your emotions to help you accomplish your goals rather than letting your emotions get the best of you and dictate your outcomes.

Rather than try to fix your relationship, despite how much you love your partner, it might be wise to work with a counselor to help you establish more balanced beliefs about intimacy and learn how to work with your emotions to help you get what you want — a relationship where you feel loved and valued. Try looking for a counselor in your area that practices cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavior therapy — with an emphasis on attachment and emotion regulation.

People with a concerned style of attachment often let their feelings of love for an individual get in the way of their best interest. Despite having strong feelings of love for your partner, it might be helpful to be aware of the very real possibility that you will love someone just as much in the future and be better equipped to manage a relationship when you first address your attachment issues. It’s also possible to work through this process with your current partner, if he is truly willing and committed to making such an investment.

You don’t have to live in a constant state of anger or let it influence your future.

Tim

 

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