Home › Forums › Questions about your relationship › 19 years ago I made a horrible decision and my husband just found out. › Reply To: 19 years ago I made a horrible decision and my husband just found out.
I’m sorry for your loss and the pain you’re going through. Dealing with such a loss can be devastating and it’s natural to want to be with someone who understands you and what you’re feeling. One of our most fundamental and basic needs in life is to feel understood.
At the same time, the description of your relationship is less than ideal. The sliding commitment (not making expectations of each other clear in the beginning of the relationship), the early avoidance of investment and commitment (except when done under threat of losing the relationship), your husband’s affair, and your decision not to disclose your sexual relationship before getting married (which also might have influenced your husband’s decision to make a commitment to you).
Based on the description your relationship there has been a lot of very difficult and hurtful events that you’ve been through together. It’s very possible that the costs that you and your husband have inflicted on each other outweigh the rewards of being together.
I get that you love your husband and feel that he understands the loss you’re experiencing. However, love isn’t enough to make a relationship work. Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect. It might be wise to take some time to focus on yourself. Talking to a therapist or counselor about your situation can be very helpful. Trying to get back into a relationship marked by betrayals, commitment issues, anger, and resentment (even when partners love each other) typically doesn’t work out in the long run.
Working with a therapist can help you set goals (to be in a relationship where you’re respected, valued and loved) and help you achieve those goals.
I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear. However, I hope it helps.