I cheated on my husband of 10 years with a younger, single man. This was the first and only time I’ve ever done anything like this. I felt unappreciated and unloved by my husband when the guy friended me and the cheating started.
My husband caught me and I realized how crazy and irrational my affair was and we both wanted to work on our marriage. I found it very hard to tell my husband all the details that he wanted to know so I lied about them and he found out.
I want my marriage to work, but after all the lies how can I regain his trust. Also after being caught my husband confessed to having an affair 5 years ago with an ex. I was crushed when I found this out. But, how could I get mad when I did the same thing. Are we savable?
To begin with, it’s important for couples to check-in with each other on a regular basis, even if it’s just for a few minutes each day. Focus your attention on each other and make sure both of you are doing OK. When couples don’t keep a pulse on their relationship, it’s easy to let problems develop, which then get dealt with outside of the relationship.
When trying to reestablish trust after an affair has come to light, it’s important to set some basic expectations. Spouses are entitled to know the truth of what happened, but they shouldn’t get bogged down in the details. The basic facts need to be addressed — when and why. But talking about specific details is rarely helpful because most people lie about them and knowing them doesn’t really address the critical issues that need to be addressed — namely, why the affair happened and the steps you can take to prevent it from happening again.
Also, you have every right to be upset with your husband. He betrayed your trust. Just because you betrayed him, doesn’t mean that you weren’t hurt as well. Think of it has a physical altercation. Just because you might have thrown a punch, doesn’t mean the punch you took doesn’t hurt. In fact, both of you are hurting.
Finally, research consistently shows that couples can and do work through such problems in their relationship. The key to doing so? You and your husband need to work as a team to address the issues that have come up in your relationship and develop practical solutions to help you overcome the mistakes you’ve made.
We go into great detail about this process in our book, Broken Trust.
With the right knowledge and skills, many couples can and do work through such problems.