My fiancé and I have been in love for four years and recently got engaged. In the beginning of our relationship I found “I love u” messages in his mobile from some other girl. We fought about it and after several days everything was settled.
I now have a very bad habit of spying and checking his mobile and Facebook accounts. Just recently, I found out he asked a girl to add him on WhatsApp. This is very upsetting and I feel betrayed again.
Please tell me what to do and how to talk about this issue with him.
To begin with, you’re right to feel betrayed. You thought you had addressed this problem with your fiancé only to discover that he’s still in contact with another woman. It helps to acknowledge that your feelings are legitimate. You have every right to feel the way you do.
It also helps to think about the best way to resolve this problem. Confronting your fiancé and getting into an argument or fight over the issue isn’t the best way to find out what’s going on. In fact, when couples fight over issues, rather than discuss problems, partners generally just get better at hiding issues rather than changing their behavior.
To have a genuine discussion about your fiancé it helps to approach your partner with your concerns. Tell him how your feeling by saying, “I’m sad, scared, disappointed because I found out that you’re in contact with another woman and I just want to talk about how I’m feeling.” If you can start the conversation by focusing on your feelings, rather than highlighting his behavior, he’ll be more likely to see the situation from your point of view.
Not only is your fiancé going to have to empathize with the pain he’s caused, but the two of you are going to have to work together to resolve this issue and rebuild trust. We’ve created a research-based process to help couples work through such betrayals.
Finally, it’s important to resolve this issue before you get married. Going into a marriage with doubts and concerns isn’t wise. Unresolved doubts and concerns can gradually eat away at a relationship. Going through life questioning a partner’s love and devotion to the point where you resort to snooping makes it very difficult to have a healthy and happy relationship.
We provide more detailed advice for dealing with such situations in our book, Broken Trust.