So, where do I begin? I caught my husband cheating. He had been texting/sexting for three months and I asked him all the time who he was talking to. He lied each time to me. He said it was to our neighbors and I had no reason to doubt him.
One evening I checked how many texts he used, 910 versus my 230. We still had two weeks on our billing cycle. I was furious and told him we were not paying for overages. The next day I looked at the bill and discovered the number he was texting was one number. I confronted him and he blew a gasket. He was insulted I would look at our joint phone bill. He told me when he returned home from his appointment he would call the number and tell me who it was. He didn’t.
A couple of days later he was supposed to go to a family reunion. He purposely had the date wrong in order to go with “her.” He was in such a hurry to leave; he left his email open and a pop-up open for a hotel. Once he was gone, I enter our office/dog’s room and checked my email. When I went to open my email his popped up with all the information right there for me! Bingo!!! I copied what I needed and left it open for other stuff to come in.
I decided to take a road trip to where he was. I wanted to see for myself if he was alone or not. We normally do everything together and this was unusual. I had to stay at home due to a very sick pet. Once there I sat in the hotel lobby and watched them in our car for 20-30 min kiss and stuff. It was torture for me. Upon exiting, I took their pictures while in the car and walking toward the hotel. They spotted me and were shocked. I confronted her at the counter and my husband stood up for HER!! REALLY!! Anyway, there were a lot of words and I ended up watching my husband take another woman up to his room. Not a fun thing to do. I left and made a few phone calls, one to his dad, daughter, and his mother the next day.
When he came home I had re-keyed the locks. He decided to take her upstairs therefore in my eyes he chose her. When he collected some of his stuff (with the police) he went and stayed with her.
So, from here on out things are crazy. I was accused of being crazy and out of my mind for the next three months. I didn’t do anything any other woman in the same position wouldn’t do. She worked at my doctor’s office so I went to tell them of her behavior. I wanted to protect my medical records and to make sure she had not been in them (a HIPPA violation). My husband had told me he was at a “friend’s house.” We didn’t have a lot of friends in the area where he could stay so I drove by her house and he was there. Because I drove by her house, she tried to get a restraining order taken out on me.
We have been talking daily, mostly via email and some on the phone and he said he was not going to leave me. He was still in love with me and didn’t want us to end. I didn’t understand this kind of love. He would also tell me he was doing one thing and I found out he was doing something else. He ended up getting his own place for a little while and he would tell me he was alone (but in reality she was there). Or that he was alone and he was actually at her place.
I spoke to her and a lot of the things, which have been told to her, are different than what he has told me.
He hurt me beyond belief and now I am so angry still. I do know I will not take him back.
What do I do to move on and live and love again? How do I release this anger towards him and myself for being so stupid???
To begin with, don’t beat yourself up. The fact that you were betrayed means that you’re a loving, trusting individual. You put your faith and trust in your husband and he betrayed you. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of or any reason to feel stupid. He’s the one at fault. Not you!
Discovering such a severe betrayal is difficult because it creates a lot of uncertainty — uncertainty about yourself, your relationship, and your husband. Discovering a betrayal can also change the way you see yourself. Again, when you start to go down that path, pause for a minute and remember that you’re not the one to blame. You simply trusted someone who betrayed your trust.
Moving past such a betrayal is never easy. It takes time and a lot of self-care.
To begin with, when someone shows you such a complete lack of respect and concern, it helps to minimize your contact. Try your best to avoid talking to your husband and the other woman. Getting drawn into conversations with them won’t do you any good and it will only prolong the healing process.
It also helps to find a place where you can vent your feelings. Going to counseling, joining an online support group, and journaling about your experience can help get your feelings off your chest in a healthy way. It’s important to acknowledge your emotions rather than bottle them up.
It’s also important to practice self-care. Make a list of simple things you can do every day to take care of yourself. Perhaps it involves eating healthier, starting an exercise program, learning a new skill or hobby. The more energy you put into showing yourself kindness and compassion the quicker you’ll recover from the betrayal you experienced.
Finally, it also helps to keep a running list of things that you’re grateful for on a daily basis. Even though your situation undoubtedly feels unbearable right now, try to take a few minutes each day to find something in your life that’s positive. Perhaps you’re grateful for your health, or someone showed you a small act of kindness, or even something as simple as being grateful for feeling the sunshine on your face.
If you can let go of blaming yourself, limit your contact with your husband, find a way to express your feelings, practice self-care, and gratitude, in the long run you will likely find yourself in a place where you can enjoy life and find love again.
We also provide more advice for dealing with such situations in our book, Broken Trust.