I was in a serious relationship going on 10 months. Throughout the whole ordeal I’ve lied to her — lied about the smallest things and the things that matter the most. She has caught me several times on social media and yesterday she saw my entire phone consisting of me texting other women.
She literally dialed 3 numbers out of my phone questioning them about their dealings with me and how we met and so forth. Now everything is on the table and there’s been plenty of times where I wanted to tell her what I had been doing to avoid all this from happening, but I was too scared of hurting her or her leaving me.
Now, I’m suffering and at this point I don’t know what to do. Of course, she ended it. She wants nothing to do with me.
She basically sees nothing but a liar and a cheater in her eyes. I’m really in love with her. She has been by my side throughout it all and I’ve done nothing but lie to her and had no reason to. We spoke on getting married and having kids and now I feel hopeless. I’m depressed and filled with so much guilt and my heart is heavy. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point.
Everything just came out yesterday. I’m trying to figure out what to do. Is it possible to recover from this? What are my chances?
It’s impossible to predict your chances of earning back her trust. It all depends on her history, her options, and her willingness to forgive you. It also depends on your ability to tell the truth, to be honest, reliable, and responsible.
You mentioned that you told her all sorts of lies — both big and small. That doesn’t bode well. Why should your girlfriend trust you when you haven’t been truthful with her?
Your best option is to take some time to explore why you felt the need to lie to her so much. Our research shows that lying is often due to one’s lack of security — a person’s style of attachment. People with a cool or concerned style of attachment are more likely to betray a partner’s trust as you describe.
Essentially, people with a concern style of attachment doubt their partners’ love and commitment. They’re afraid that telling the truth will lead to their partners’ rejection — so they tell their partners what they think their partners want to hear (whether it’s true or not).
People with a concerned style of attachment are also more likely to sext others putting their relationships in jeopardy.
If your deceptive behavior stems from your attachment style, it helps to address the underlying issue before you try to repair the damage done or get involved with someone else. We wrote Broken Trust to help people understand how attachment styles influence intimate betrayals and how couples can address their attachment issues and rebuild trust.