I have been married for 26 years with my husband who is a doctor. We had our share of ups and downs, affairs, transgressions and domestic abuse. He had to go for counselling after 17 years of marriage, to deal with his abusive behavior.
He had an online affair a few years back, which I had accidentally found out, just before he had planned to meet up with the woman for sex. We went for couple’s counselling and my husband’s dishonest & egoistical nature; self-centeredness and low morality was identified.
He is very comfortable with looking my eyes and lying, even about simple things and he had done it throughout the 26 years. He has a history of lying throughout childhood and adulthood. We had made a pact 5 months back that if there is anything that had happened after marriage, that I don’t know about, he should come clean about it and we can deal with the hurt but move on together.
Last night I accidentally found out that he was physically unfaithful with a total stranger when he went for a conference about 14 years back. Though I had inkling about this incident, when asked then, he actually lied about it. We never discussed this as I trusted his story, that a drunken woman sat on his lap and he gently pushed her away. When I found out last night and confronted him, he started lying again. He had actually written this incident down for himself and I insisted that I would like to read it as I was sure he was lying. The document shocked me beyond words! He was engaged in kissing, fondling, etc. in a bus with a complete stranger who he had asked to sit on his lap.
His lying hurt me more than the incident itself. He knows I am honest, matured and a very non-judgmental person but I cannot deal with his dishonesty anymore.
Very upset at the moment. I had given him enough chances to come clean of past misdeeds but he always lied. I tried my best to help him be honest especially because I am very honest and tell him everything even if it is uncomfortable. He keeps saying sorry but this time I cannot forgive him. Does he deserve forgiveness? Should I go for a divorce? What should I do?
A marriage is meant to add value to your life. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, kindness, consideration, and honesty.
While no one can tell you what to do because you have to live with the consequences of your decision, we can help you focus your attention on the issues that matter. When it comes to evaluating a relationship, what matters is how your partner responds to your concerns and feelings. Does your husband show you empathy, try to see the situation from your point of view, and take responsibility for his actions? If not, it can be very difficult to have a meaningful and healthy relationship — a relationship where you feel valued and respected.
We also provide a more detailed set of guidelines for evaluating a relationship after a betrayal comes to light in Chapter 2 of Broken Trust.
Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. All we can do is help you focus your attention on the questions you truly need to consider.